Mar 31

“I still can’t believe Batman has a fake ambulance. I mean, I know he’s supposed to be prepared for everything, but man, after a while it just gets weird.”

Mar 31

168.

Mar 31

“They,” he paused, trying to figure out how to express their importance to him, “are my reason for existing.”
That was terribly insufficient, but it would have to do.

Mar 30

With Robin you could sort of watch what he was doing, if you paid real close attention. But Batman—he was nothing but a swirling mass of black cape.

Mar 30

167.

Mar 30

“I don’t know nothing.”

“That’s a double negative, which means you do know something.”

Mar 29

“No one gets to voice their displeasure here except the master.”

“That will be quite enough, Alfred.”

“Thank you for illustrating my point, Master Bruce.”

Mar 29

166.

Mar 29

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Remus said, sounding too guilty to be telling the truth.

Mar 28

“Check it off the list.”

“So, ignoring the fact that there is, in fact, no list, I have officially checked it off.”

Mar 28

165.

Mar 28

“And anyway, if I’m going to die, I might as well die kissing Lily.”

“And you think that you’ll be kissing Lily because…?”

“Well, because I kiss her and then she’ll kill me.”

Mar 27

“Bastard.”

“Snarky bastardess.”

“I regret to inform you that ‘bastardess’ is not a word. Hah. Wanker.”

“I cease to wonder why you never married.”

“I am still trying to figure out why you exist. If you were my son, I’d have killed you long ago.”

“Yes, because you are the evil best friend of the Dark Lord. My parents were rather nice.”

“Call me the best friend of Tom again and I will wrap your dissected spleen around your head like a do-rag. Following this, I shall bind your hands and feet with your large and small intestine. Then I shall cut off the tip of your tongue and stuff your nostrils with it. I will gouge your eyes out with a red-hot poker and force you to choke on your own eyeballs. Then, to perhaps end your misery, I’ll rip your heart out with a spoon.”

Mar 27

164.

Mar 27

Hey, it would be nice if he has a personality to match his dashing good looks. He’s ravishable, you know. Shag him.

Mar 26

“Dad says I’m freakish, but he’s left now. How was Sicily?”

“What! Peter, you are not freakish! If he doesn’t appreciate you for you than he isn’t worth anything anyway, all right? I don’t care if he was your stepfather.”

“Whoa. First half of that definitely sounded like an after-break-up speech. And I know he doesn’t mean anything. I actually feel a bit…relieved that he’s gone. Really. Once more, how was Sicily?”

“You cannot be fine about this. He’s your father, for the love of Merlin! Do you want us to hunt him down and kill him? It can be done. Slowly and painfully. How is your mum holding up?”

“Nah, don’t bother, not worth it. Mum hasn’t spoken since he walked out. Won’t eat or buy food either. A great way to shed a few pounds. No, I kid you not. I have seriously lost weight. So…what? Did you not go to Sicily?”

“What? She’s starving you? This is an emergency. Food will be along shortly.”

“Actually, I’m enjoying the whole losing-weight-thing, but food is worth gaining it all back. Did you join a cult while on vacation? Is that why you are avoiding the Sicily question?”

“Sicily was wonderful. They had pretty gondolas.”

Mar 26

163.

Mar 26

“My hair looks good most of the time, if I just let it hang to my shoulders, but yours always has the windswept thing that girls love.”

“It’s natural. Otherwise I’d tell you my secret.”

Mar 25

Sirius,
Girls are mad. All of them.
Thought you ought to know,
James

Mar 25

162.

Mar 25

“I’m sorry, did you just call your owl Herpes?”

“Of course I did. That’s his name.”

“Um. Why, dare I ask?”

“Because that’s what my mother decided to name him, in memory of Malaria and West.”

“West…?”

“…Nile Virus.”

“You are sick, woman. Sick.”

Mar 24

“Like, for a caring, romantic letter, you would write, ‘My darling Lily’—Vanilly, his head instantly added, but Sirius ignored it—or ‘Lily”—Vanilly—”‘light of my life’, or ‘Sunshine in the storm, thy name is Lily Vanilly.’”

James looked up from the paper, which he appeared to be taking notes on.

“I did not mean to say ‘Lily Vanilly’ out loud,” Sirius said genially. “My apologies. Feel free to scratch out ‘Vanilly’, because I know you wrote it down.”

James did so.

Mar 24

161.

Mar 24

“You promise you won’t laugh?”

“On my mother’s grave.”

“Your mother is still alive.”

Mar 23

“Fine. Fine. Laugh all you want. ‘Oh, it’s poor, pathetic James again, wanting help because he’s so pathetic that he can’t even solve his own pathetic problems.’”

“Oh, I would never say that. If I’m going to repeat an idea, I usually like to use a different word for it every time. So what I’d actually say is, ‘Oh, it’s poor pathetic James again, wanting help because he’s so pitiable that he can’t even solve his own wretched problems.’”

Mar 23

160.

Mar 23

“We talk about everything. This must be the seventeen thousandth time you’ve come to ask me for help with something humiliating, and every time, we go through at least a half an hour of me trying to decipher your incomprehensible babble before we actually get to the hilarious inquiry itself. Maybe we could skip that part this time and get right to work chipping away at your self-esteem?”

Mar 22

“I swear on petits fours, Zonko’s, Heather Locklear, and all other things holy in this world, if you tell anyone—and, yes, Moony and Wormtail fall under the category of ‘anyone’ in this situation—what I am about to ask you, I will ritualistically dismember you with a blunt object, limb by limb, and then dispose of your body in a lake filled with piranhas, do I make myself clear?”

“No, actually. Am I dead when you throw me into the piranha pit, or just…limbless?”

“Leaving you alive would cause more pain. However, you could die of blood loss before I even get you to the piranhas. The piranhas are mostly for the clean disposal of the body, really, so I suppose you would be dead first.”

“Excellent.”

Mar 22

159.

Mar 22

Yesterday joined Harry Potter’s secret paramilitary organization. Is he planning a coup? Will continue to observe.

Mar 21

They only ‘hoped for the best’ when there was literally nothing they could do to keep the situation from getting worse. Strange that they developed hope only when everyone else lost it.

Mar 21

158.

Mar 21

“You can’t do that! That’s against the law!”
He raised an eyebrow. “Yes. Yes it is.”

Mar 20

Ron was glaring daggers at his best friend and muttering threats under his breath that sounded an awful lot like impotence hexes. Harry was very lucky his best friend was currently on mute.

Mar 20

157.

Mar 20

“One of these times you are going to loose an important part of your anatomy before I realize who I’ve hexed!”
“Severus, I have all the faith in the world that you will not remove any part of my anatomy without my permission.”
“I wouldn’t count on that. It’s becoming more and more tempting.”

Mar 19

I know the sound of you plotting something. I’ve heard it often enough.

Mar 19

156.

Mar 19

“The sink or swim approach worked for me; but I wanted something without the ‘sink’ option for you.”

Mar 18

You may have a wand, but I have a cast-iron skillet.

Mar 18

155.

Mar 18

No, I won’t go and get drunk after all, because it was the bloody pub that blew up. Lovely.

Mar 17

There is a giant squid in the castle’s pond- sorry, lake. Ordinarily I wouldn’t care, but it waved to me as Dumbledore led the way up to the castle. Look, you’re a bloody freshwater kraken, would you mind showing a little dignity? I don’t know, devour the local birds or something. Nothing with that many tentacles should be acting like a puppy.

Mar 17

154.

Mar 17

Spending any length of time in Hagrid’s company made for one hell of an education in magical zoology, but John had a peculiar fondness for life’s little pleasures: fingers that were still attached to his hands, eyebrows not being burnt off, things like that.

Mar 16

Unpleasant Things It Is Sometimes Good To Know wins my vote for Most Understated Title of the Year.

Mar 16

153.

Mar 16

I’d like to thank you for your reply, delivered by Draco Malfoy last week. Sadly, his attempt to kill me failed and he is now in the hospital wing, if you wish I can arrange for some flowers to be delivered in your name. I’m told his stay will be extensive while his arms are re-grown.

Mar 15

Ron calmly moved his plate to the side and there was a rhythmic thudding noise as he beat his head on the table to the others laughter.

Mar 15

152.

Mar 15

“Didn’t see anything. Heard a crash, saw a pretty blinking light show, looked up to see you pointing your wand between my eyes...”

Mar 14

“You’re taking this very… calmly.”

“Don’t worry, Harry. It’s just for your sake. We’ll scream out our insanity in a nice padded room later.”

Mar 14

151.

Mar 14

Shock? Was that what it was? Well then… he didn’t like being in shock much, then.

Mar 13

“Uh, nothing to see here. Go back to your lives, citizens.”

Mar 13

150.

Mar 13

“They can’t expel people for only having something slightly illegal in their pockets. Can they?”

Mar 12

“Are you... alive?”

“No,” he answered.

Mar 12

149.

Mar 12

Harry staggered down the hall, trying not to bang loudly into the walls that tended to leap at him from time to time.

Mar 11

“Anything unusual for you here?”

“Well, that suit of armour used to wear a ballet tutu, stood in the Tondue position and tried to trip people.”

Mar 11

148.

Mar 11

She then grabbed him by the collar of his robes and gave him a glare normally reserved for Malfoy, “Where have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried we’ve all been?”

Harry could only stare at her, “I - I’m starting to get the idea.”

Mar 10

“Hello! I’m the bloody Scourge of Europe! I don’t do anything wrong.”

“And I tried to have the Earth blown up, but that doesn’t mean that I am incapable of admitting that I’m wrong.”

Mar 10

147.

Mar 10

“Do me a favour? Make sure I don’t hit my head.”
She looked confused, but as Harry started to fall to the floor, she rushed to support his head. Harry smiled up at her from the floor, “Thanks,” and he lost consciousness.

Mar 9

Some people had described Snape’s voice as silky. Harry could only describe it as a one way portal to hell.

Mar 9

146.

Mar 9

“You mean kill?”

“Eliminate sounds nicer, don’t you think?”

Mar 8

“What on Earth is going on?”

Harry gave a weak grin. “Umm, mass hallucination?”

Mar 8

145.

Mar 8

“Bad news is that you’ve travelled through time and there’s no way for you to return to your home. Good news is that you’ve broken the record for the youngest unintentional time traveller.”

Mar 7

“We need to work on your son’s ability to explain away his pranks.”

“He must get that from his mother because I’ve never had much trouble making up stories.”

Mar 7

144.

Mar 7

He helped himself to a biscuit, “All that You-Know-Who business, they can’t seem to get rid of the blighter.”

Mar 6

“Squawking… cow…?” Harry repeated in confusion.

“You didn’t hear that,” Sirius said quickly.

‘More like ‘don’t tell her I said that,’ Remus amended silently.

Mar 6

143.

Mar 6

Harry made a soft eep that sounded suspiciously like muffled laughter and made a mad dash to the staircase.

Mar 5

“You’re stuttering.”
Oh, as if I hadn’t known. Damn the boy to hell, anyway.

Mar 5

142.

Mar 5

“Yes and no.”

“Thank you for your stunning clarity.”

Mar 4

“Do you want to talk about it?”
God, how Harry hated that question, and he didn’t blame Sirius for the grimace. If a bloke wanted to talk about something, he’d damn well say so.

Mar 4

141.

Mar 4

Given the significant look that passed between the Auror and the professor, Sirius decided that it probably would have been better if he’d lied to the kid and told her his name was something outrageously normal like Bob.

Mar 3

“You have excellent bone structure,” she told him primly, and he raised an eyebrow at that. She didn’t look old enough to even have an idea as to what bone structure might be, let alone know whether he had an excellent example of it.

Mar 3

140.

Mar 3

“Don’t do anything rash.”

“I never do anything rash,” Harry protested, and Remus rolled his eyes. “Fine, I won’t do anything rash.”

Mar 2

If anyone tells you otherwise, you tell them that I’ll see them in court, it’s slander, it’s defamation of character, it’s… but I digress.

Mar 2

139.

Mar 2

Also, contrary to what many dunderheaded muggle fashion pundits will tell you, black is the new black.

Mar 1

“He was wearing colour contacts. The green is his natural eye colour. Cool, eh?”

“That’s the most despicable, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen! It isn’t fair! Thick, dark lashes, and absolutely gorgeous green eyes wasted on a man! Tell me you have your mother’s eyes!” she demanded authoritatively. “Lie to me if you have to!”

“I have my mother’s eyes,” the boy dutifully repeated.
“No, really!” he insisted when she crossed her arms and gave him her famous ‘Are You Putting Me On?’ look. “I have photos back at the Leaky Cauldron.”

Mar 1

138.

Mar 1

“Shower and get some sleep.”

“We have that kind of time?”

“No, but later we’ll have even less.”