Mar 27

“Bastard.”

“Snarky bastardess.”

“I regret to inform you that ‘bastardess’ is not a word. Hah. Wanker.”

“I cease to wonder why you never married.”

“I am still trying to figure out why you exist. If you were my son, I’d have killed you long ago.”

“Yes, because you are the evil best friend of the Dark Lord. My parents were rather nice.”

“Call me the best friend of Tom again and I will wrap your dissected spleen around your head like a do-rag. Following this, I shall bind your hands and feet with your large and small intestine. Then I shall cut off the tip of your tongue and stuff your nostrils with it. I will gouge your eyes out with a red-hot poker and force you to choke on your own eyeballs. Then, to perhaps end your misery, I’ll rip your heart out with a spoon.”