Aug 31

“Back when you two were speaking in Russian in the warehouse to make your plans in secret, you didn’t bother to make sure that I didn’t know Russian. Not very smart, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

Aug 31

321.

Aug 31

“How many Gotham vigilantes does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“Um... None? That’s what Alfred is for.”

“Well, you’re half right. The correct answer is ‘None! Batman likes it dark!’”

Aug 30

“Trust me, I’m good with secrets. Alcohol, not so much. But secrets, definitely.”

Aug 30

320.

Aug 30

Boyfriend required: Must be bright enough to hold a conversation, but not bright enough to ever win an argument.

Aug 29

“If I could get my hands on the bastard...”

“You’ll have to get behind me.” The coldness in his voice even surprised him.

Aug 29

319.

Aug 29

“Who wants cake?”

“You read my mind.”

“Actually, I just read mine.”

Aug 28

“You are not in Azkaban; there is still hope.”

“Is that your slogan for times like this?”

Aug 28

318.

Aug 28

"Everything in this room is eatable. Even I’m eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

Aug 27

“Sir, may I be allowed a short violent outburst?”

Aug 27

317.

Aug 27

“He was like a grandfather to must of us.”

“Or at least an eccentric uncle.”

Aug 26

I invented an external anti-depressant.
When I’m in a bad mood I apply it to other people.
It used to be called mace.

Aug 26

316.

Aug 26

“What are you giggling about?”

“I set his phone to vibrate. He doesn’t know that it can vibrate.”

Aug 25

People buy SUVs so that when they veer off-road talking on their cell phones, they’ll survive.

Aug 25

315.

Aug 25

“Don’t blame him, Sam. Balding men are under a lot of stress.”

“That was both cruel and efficient.”

“One tries.”

Aug 24

“What lifts you up?”

“Forklifts.”

“What truly moves you?”

“Explosives.”

Aug 24

314.

Aug 24

“The quickest way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach because then you don’t have to chop through that pesky rib cage.”

Aug 23

Steve was kicking my foot under the table. That’s his code for ‘get out of here so I can seduce her, or bad things will happen to you.’ I left immediately. I don’t know where he gets the scorpions or how he gets them into my mattress and pillow, but I don’t want to repeat the experience.

Aug 23

313.

Aug 23

"You seem to be holding your liquor pretty well. The only problem is that you’re holding enough of it to kill and preserve the remains of a rhinoceros."

Aug 22

You are as pink as a hallucinatory pachyderm.

Aug 22

312.

Aug 22

“We have a company therapist?”

“Yeah, the bottle of bourbon I keep hidden in my desk.”

“Now that’s what I call a good health plan.”

Aug 21

“Why is it that girls who work in coffee shops get hit on so often anyway?”

“In a relaxed social environment, patrons don’t expect me to pour scalding hot expresso down their shirts when they proposition me.”

Aug 21

311.

Aug 21

“Look. I am male and therefore completely incapable of judging female attraction. Plus, it’s the second law of sexual dynamics: if you think a girl is attracted to you, they’re not.”

Aug 20

“You were being sarcastic again, weren’t you.”

“Congratulations. You have successfully demonstrated the capacity for basic learning.”

Aug 20

310.

Aug 20

“Since when did you get two couches in here?”

“One of them is a special couch that only drunk people see.”

Aug 19

“A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.”

“I am glad that such a foolish man is not around, for I would surely defenestrate him with great rapidity.”

Aug 19

309.

Aug 19

“It sounds like you’re only capable of stuttering unintelligibly right now, so I’ll talk.”

Aug 18

“Your parents abandoned you?”

“They did not abandon me, Kevin. It was an exercise in survival. One which I passed with flying colours.”

Aug 18

308.

Aug 18

“Smells like almonds.”

“So?”

“Maybe you’re unfamiliar with cyanide, Pam, but it gives off an almond scent after you ingest it. Look it up.”

“But you didn’t ingest the envelope.”

“Not yet I didn’t.”

“Why would you ingest an envelope that you think is filled with cyanide?”

Aug 17

She flung the door the ED locker room wide open, preparing to slam the door behind her, instead, she ran right into what felt like a brick wall clad in green scrubs.

“I’m so sorry!” the brick wall responded.

Aug 17

307.

Aug 17

“Stay away from her, she is nothing but trouble.”

“Shot you down, huh?”

“Repeatedly, my friend.”

Aug 16

“The biggest challenge I think Martha and I ever faced was when we learned we couldn’t have children. But did we give up? No, we went out and found us a baby in a spaceship, doggone it.”

Aug 16

306.

Aug 16

“I hate it when I get kidnapped,” Lois announced to her cell-mates. This was actually not true

“You do not,” Clark contradicted her amiably. He wasn’t particularly thrilled to be in this situation, but the mild tonic of danger was making Lois sparkle, and he did so love it when she sparkled.

Aug 15

“And how about your golfing buddy the Senator, who turned out to be a Nazi? Or your friend from the Men’s Club who was running a slave labour ring in Chinatown? Face it: I love you – but your character judgement sucks.”

Aug 15

305.

Aug 15

“I hate you.”

“Note my devastation.”

Aug 14

“I told you it was a French cookbook.”

“Yes, but it’s written in French!”

His eyes opened wide with pretend shock. “It is? I wonder what it was that I actually made for dinner, then.”

Aug 14

304.

Aug 14

“I can’t believe you just did that.”

Clark glanced over at her as he replaced the cap. “What?”

“You sniffed my milk.”

“So?”

“I just told you it was fine, and you still smelled it! In some countries, that’s probably considered a duelling offence.” The smirk on her face belied the annoyance in her tone.

Clark started to laugh. “Lois, you forget who you’re talking to here.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” He returned the milk to the refrigerator and turned to her, grinning.

“It means that I have personally witnessed at least three different occasions where you have pulled your milk out, taken a drink straight from the carton, cringed ... and then put it back in!”

Aug 13

“Some of us have excellent memories.”

“Some of us do, but you’re not one of them.”

Aug 13

303.

Aug 13

Lois and Clark, however, weren’t even paying attention anymore. They turned to each other in unison.

“You take Bender, I’ll take the bomb squad--”

“I’ll take Bender, you take the bomb squad--”

Staring at each other for a moment as the words filtered, they gave each other a quick nod and dashed out.

Aug 12

“You’re a pretty smooth talker when you’re drunk.”

“Think I’d have the guts if I were sober?”

Aug 12

302.

Aug 12

“I’m going to talk to your doctor. I have a couple of ideas that will have you on your feet and walking in no time.”

“Daddy—please. I don’t want to be a cyborg.”

Aug 11

“How about we flip for the bed?”

“How about I get the bed and I lend you a pillow?”

“How about we alternate nights?”

“How about we don’t.”

“Well, it is a big bed, we could share…”

“How about we alternate nights?”

Aug 11

301.

Aug 11

“I guess you don’t have to worry about it chafing.”

“One of the perks of invulnerability.”

Aug 10

“You know, Clark, you surprise me. I always thought you were a pretty smart guy, but...”

“But what?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just that a smart guy would have kissed me again by...”

Aug 10

300.

Aug 10

“Miss Lane, what have I said about running head long into danger?”

“That it was daring and impulsive?”

“Yes, of course, except my exact words were ‘please don’t’.”

Aug 9

“Sure, just tell me what I can do…” Chloe grinned “…Within reason,” he added hastily.

Aug 9

299.

Aug 9

“Fine, I’ll never do it again.”

“Yes you will!”

“All the more reason this impending discussion is pointless.”

Aug 8

“You’re going to be late tonight aren’t you, Smallville?”

“How did you know?”

“You used that voice. The one like you’re apologizing for something you haven’t done yet.”

Aug 8

298.

Aug 8

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Aug 7

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy.

Aug 7

297.

Aug 7

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

Aug 6

“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.”

Aug 6

296.

Aug 6

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.”

Aug 5

“Steggles thinks you’re forming a syndicate.”

“What rot!”

“Can I join?”

“Absolutely.”

Aug 5

295.

Aug 5

“Life would be so much simpler if we were newts.”

Aug 4

Harry expected Lily to snap back at James, as Hermione undoubtedly would have done, had Ron been foolish enough to interrupt her train of thought, but instead, she only blinked and smiled faintly, her cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment.
“Sorry, James,” she said sheepishly. James responded with an affectionate grin of his own, and Harry decided then and there to give up trying to understand anyone, ever.

Aug 4

294.

Aug 4

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

Aug 3

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Aug 3

293.

Aug 3

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

Aug 2

292.

Aug 2

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”

Aug 2

“Oh, Merlin… I’m named after myself.”

Aug 1

“I didn’t speak much. I listened to him list your many virtues. Frankly, I had no idea you possessed so many.”

Aug 1

291.

Aug 1

Anyway, he brought me a piece of some cake from the victory party. I’m slightly worried that bringing me food is becoming a repetitive action. I can’t quite tell if: a. He thinks I’m too thin b. He’s trying to fatten me for some malicious reason like cannibalism c. He finds food to be the best medium for communication d. There is no reason and I’m just overanalyzing