Jul 31

“Do you get used to that or is it always creepy when he talks in your head like that?”

Jul 31

290.

Jul 31

“I’m Nightwing. You’re just an idiot in a suit.”

Jul 30

“He’s just so...”

“If you say dreamy,” Black interrupted his daughter, “you’re automatically written out of my will.”

Jul 30

289.

Jul 30

Batman gazed up at the floating city in the sky.
“I’m going to need a longer grapple.”

Jul 29

“Jim, how long would it take you for you to make your move? Let’s say they broke up on a Monday.”

He thought it over, “Thursday, it would be Thursday.”

Jul 29

288.

Jul 29

If you see any small fish with large teeth approaching, get back on the bank.

Jul 28

“According to your admirers, you slew the thing with one hand behind your back, banished Riddle with your eyes closed, and carried her out in your arms without a hair out of place.”

“Professor, have you ever seen me without a hair out of place?”

Jul 28

287.

Jul 28

The fog that hung over the city of Blüdhaven matched Tim’s mood so perfectly, he could have ordered it up off a menu. ‘I’ll have the gloom and doom fog with a side order of pollution, please.’

Jul 27

They walked in blessed silence for several minutes, until Potter’s natural idiocy decided that it had remained dormant long enough for one night.

Jul 27

286.

Jul 27

“Hey, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die and showed up like fifty years later like ‘sup?’ what do you think they’d say?”

“Something along the lines of, ‘G`Day mate’.”

Jul 26

Number one pickup line of all time: “Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Jul 26

285.

Jul 26

The ‘bishop’ came to our church today. He was such an impostor. Never once moved diagonally.

Jul 25

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Jul 25

284.

Jul 25

The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Jul 24

“Hey, you know what sucks?”

“Vacuums”

“Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?

“Black holes”

“Hey, you know what just isn’t cool?

“Lava?”

Jul 24

283.

Jul 24

“Do we still have Mr Freeze’s big cannon?”

“In the vault.”

“But will it be strong enough?”

“We hook it into the nuclear reactor that powers the Batmobile and we could freeze the United States.”

Jul 23

“James is entitled to his opinion.”

“Not when it’s wrong!”

Jul 23

282.

Jul 23

“Look, just because I made one tiny error—”

“Honey, for the first half-hour you were holding the map upside down.”

“That was deliberate. I was just trying to orientate myself.”

Jul 22

“Just for the record: after tonight the Rick O’Connell Wife Carrying Service is now closed for business. You wear stupid shoes; you live with the consequences.”

Jul 22

281.

Jul 22

“Do I look married?”

“Nah, you look gorgeous.”

“That rather implies that married women are not gorgeous.”

“There is no answer to that which is going to do me any good, is there?”

Jul 21

“Provoking him. Good plan, Harry.”

Jul 21

280.

Jul 21

“I can’t die.”

“We don’t know that, Harry.”

“It’s not like I’m going to go experimenting or anything.”

“I certainly hope not.”

“So much for the next great adventure.”

“Perhaps your mind wasn’t well enough organized.”

Jul 20

Descartes is in a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. He replies “I think not” and vanishes in a puff of logic.

Jul 20

279.

Jul 20

“Jolly good show,” agreed Professor Binns, with no idea what he was agreeing to.

Jul 19

“There’s gotta be something else we can do. I don’t like talking to Batman at all, but the thought of telling him this? You know how mad Garth gets when we eat tuna fish sandwiches in front of him? It’s like that, only it’s Batman, and the sandwiches are his parents.”

Jul 19

278.

Jul 19

He took the stairs two at a time, (once nearly three -but the castle stretched itself to catch him), and at a very fast run, he ran so fast the pictures were a blur, in fact, he ran so fast that it took him a minute or so to realise he’d crashed.

Jul 18

“If you need info, my price has doubled.”

“Extra-long striptease or double the whipped cream?”

Jul 18

277.

Jul 18

“Dead guy,” Amy said, nodding her head at the prone body lying on the floor with several gunshot wounds.

r“Ya think.”

Jul 17

The man that most often had the ball kept throwing it at the man with the odd-shaped staff. This didn’t make sense to Cassie. He was definitely trying to hit the ball with the staff, but she couldn’t tell if he was angry because he missed or because the man kept throwing it at him. Every time the ball was thrown, the man would swing, and the man behind him in the funny mask would catch it. Cassie could think of eighty-three different ways to use the staff to get the ball from the man in the mask.

Jul 17

276.

Jul 17

Batman crouched on his perch atop a local museum, completely enveloped by the shadows around him. He hated Wakefield Wharf in the summer. The seeping heat and coastal mist combined to create a dank, humid environment that made him sweat much more than usual. Sweat underneath his fearsome cowl was always an unwelcome experience, causing the Kevlar/Nomex material to chafe his skin and scalp. Such was the life of a crimefighter, he supposed. Because of his extreme dislike of the area’s climate, Batman made it one of the sections of the city that was known to be his. His voice became deeper in the Wharf; he made his attacks more personal, his justice more severe. It was most often the criminals he caught in the Wharf that spoke of him as a demon or wraith, and he preferred it that way. The more forbidding his reputation in the area, the less frequent his visits would have to be. As a result, Bruce Wayne would require fewer facials. Bruce Wayne hates facials.

Jul 16

“Cheer him up, Severus. Tell him one of your jokes.”

“Which do you want me to do? Tell him a joke or cheer him up.”

Jul 16

275.

Jul 16

“If I’ve guessed correctly, George admits that I’m better than he is, and if George guesses correctly, I admit that he guessed correctly.”

Jul 15

“According to the medical examiner, we have us a possible homicide. Probably occurred sometime earlier this evening before seven.”

“And what makes the ME think it’s a homicide?”

“‘Cause the stiff’s got a six-inch blade sticking outta his throat. Me? I wouldn’t rule it a ‘possible homicide’ exactly. I’d say it’s more likely a ‘definite’ homicide.”

Jul 15

274.

Jul 15

“By the way, should I be blushing?” he added, noting the tell tale pinching at the side of Superman’s eyes that indicated he was employing his X-ray vision.

Jul 14

It was dark now. Was this what death was like? If it was, Harry was disappointed. You weren’t supposed to feel pain when you died. And the throbbing in his head could definitely be classified as pain.

Jul 14

273.

Jul 14

“We go there every Wednesday night, and it’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxson sir, he’s got knobrot off some tart.’”

Jul 13

“I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”

Jul 13

272.

Jul 13

“There’s a sports drink on the back seat.”

“What flavour?”

“Blue.”

“Blue isn’t a flavour.”

“Flavour: Blue Blast.”

“Oh, Blue Blast, give it here.”

Jul 12

“The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis....Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?”

Jul 12

271.

Jul 12

“How would you describe my leadership skills?”

“Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.”

Jul 11

“You probably shouldn’t have sex for a while. On an evolutionary basis, I’d recommend... forever.”

Jul 11

270.

Jul 11

“Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.”

Jul 10

“She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.”

“Technical term is narcissism. You can’t believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you’re all powerful.”

Jul 10

269.

Jul 10

“Her oxygen saturation is normal.”

“It’s off by one percentage point.”

“It’s within range. It’s normal.”

“If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she’d be a dolphin.”

Jul 9

“You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on never being interviewed by anyone who does?”

Jul 9

268.

Jul 9

“I’m not pregnant.”

“Sorry, you don’t get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.”

Jul 8

“How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?”

“I’d hate it. That’s why I cleverly have no personal life.”

Jul 8

267.

Jul 8

“True cost, no man can say.”

“Could that man’s accountant say?”

Jul 7

“I can’t get my contact lenses out—”

“Out of what? They’re not in your eyes.”

“But they’re red.”

“That’s because you’re trying to remove your corneas.”

Jul 7

266.

Jul 7

“Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?”

“Why can’t both be true?”

Jul 6

“You’re reading a comic book.”

“And you’re calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I’m competitive by nature.”

Jul 6

265.

Jul 6

“Like I always say, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team.’ There is a ‘me,’ though, if you jumble it up.”

Jul 5

“I’m too handsome to do paperwork.”

Jul 5

264.

Jul 5

No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.

Jul 4

“I think your argument is specious.”

“I think your tie is ugly.”

Jul 4

263.

Jul 4

“Ah, yes, Mr O’Reilly, well it’s perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.”

Jul 3

“You could have had them both done by now if you hadn’t spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.”

“Racket?! That’s Brahms! Brahms’ Third Racket!”

Jul 3

262.

Jul 3

“If you won’t help us, we’ll tell everyone your brother’s in jail.”

“My brother is a warden!”

“We won’t say that part.”

Jul 2

“I’m so glad you’re so happy! Is this is a normal happy or was there cooking sherry involved?”

Jul 2

261.

Jul 2

“Paw-paw and Chin Chin cannot come to the test run.”

“Why not?”

“Because they are dogs, Michel.”

“They cannot stay home by themselves. They get lonely and they eat expensive Italian things.”

Jul 1

My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.

Jul 1

260.

Jul 1

“Hey, you know what’s weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, ‘cause if it is I’ll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk.”